The Broken Springs Straight Shooter

The Broken Springs Straight Shooter has just learned that controversial Broken Springs-Onoyoko Township Police Chief Jim Kingston recently signed an agreement to write at least two books for the imprint Alternative Investment Management, which is owned by Renegade Publishing Group, Inc., one of the country's leading publishers of "alternative" financial self-help books.

"Jim Kingston is an extraordinary addition to our roster of authors," Frank D. Sheister, J.D., the President of Renegade Publishing told The Broken Springs SS in an exclusive interview. "Signing an author of his stature further strengthens our already-renowned ability to provide consumers with cutting-edge financial advice. We are delighted to be able to offer the public a how-to book by an individual with Chief Kingston's unique expertise, and we are committed to the successful publishing of his books for years to come."

Mr. Sheister went on to explain why he was willing to take the unusual step of offering a multi-book publishing contract to the previously-unpublished Chief Kingston. "We're always actively looking for authors who combine 'real world' expertise in wealth management and protection with the ability to successfully teach those techniques to the average person in the street, and we believe that Chief Kingston has those attributes," Mr. Sheister said. "Like many people around the country, those of us who work at Renegade Publishing closely followed the investigation by the Barren County Prosecutor's Office into the Chief's handling of the finances for Operation Christmas Care Bear and for the Broken Springs-Onoyoko Township Police Department. We were extremely impressed that after the exhaustive investigation of the Chief's financial management practices, the Barren County Prosecutor's Office was unable to find anything to charge the Chief with. A public official who is able to avoid criminal prosecution even though he has admitted to cashing checks that aren't made out to him, running an unregistered charity and driving around with a briefcase stashed in the trunk of his car which was stuffed with thousands of unaccounted-for dollars, knows a thing or two about protecting his assets. The Chief's proven asset-protection techniques are just the type of information our typical customer is willing to pay top dollar to learn."

Chief Kingston's first book, which is scheduled to be released by the end of this year, will be called Taser-proof Asset Protection. According to Mr. Sheister, in that book "the Chief will use easy-to-understand layman's terms to describe simple, affordable and effective methods that anyone can use to protect their assets from greedy bloodsuckers such as the government, creditors and ex-spouses. Each chapter will provide readers with numerous tips and tricks, such as the use of offshore closely-held corporations and bearer shares, that the Chief has used and can personally attest to the efficacy of."

The details of Chief Kingston's second book have not yet been finalized. However, Mr. Sheister informed The Broken Springs SS that "the Chief's second book is tentatively scheduled to be part autobiography, part guidebook explaining the day-to-day application of the Chief's fundamental management principles. In it, the Chief will give a detailed explanation of the innovative techniques which enabled him to transform an obscure small-town police department into a law-enforcement agency which is the subject of spirited discussions around water coolers throughout the country. Of course, the primary emphasis of the book will be the Chief's unorthodox financial-management techniques." Although the Chief's second book is still in the early stages, Mr. Sheister was able to provide us with working titles for several of the proposed chapters, which include the following: "Beating the Odds"; "The Long Shot"; "Stacking the Deck"; "Lost in the Shuffle"; "Playing the Hand You're Dealt"; and "You Don't Have to be Good, When You're Lucky Enough to Have the Goods on Your Superior".

The financial terms of Chief Kingston's deal with Renegade Publishing were not disclosed. However, according to knowledgeable industry insiders, the Chief probably received an advance that was significantly less than six figures, with the possibility of substantial bonus payments if certain sales targets are met. Regardless of the terms, the contract comes at an opportune time for the Chief, as his personal financial fortunes have declined precipitously in the past few months. First of all, recent events have made it abundantly clear that his "Police Chief for life" status is no longer as secure as it was a mere couple of years ago. The Police Commission appears to be growing increasingly-less tolerant of the Chief's independent behavior, and there are rumblings that he has lost the support of several of the officers under his command. If the rumors are true (and our research uncovered a significant amount of evidence which indicates that they are) and one or more of the Chief's underlings are conspiring against him, his days as Broken Springs-Onoyoko Township Police Chief are probably numbered. Second, in order to protect his interests during the recent investigations into his activities, the Chief was forced to retain the services of high-priced legal counsel. Because of the complexity of the Chief's situation, his attorney was forced to devote a considerable amount of time to his case (for example, the attorney accompanied the Chief to several interminable Police Commission meetings). Although the Chief received invaluable assistance from his attorney (his "punishment" for engaging in the type of behavior that would constitute grounds for dismissal in many communities was a mere one-week suspension without pay), the legal bills he incurred were substantial. Third, except for the one day he spent strategizing with the local citizens' group working to recall Onoyoko Charter Township Supervisor Ernest Hildecrust (the Chief has been diligently keeping his ear to the pipeline, and has uncovered a lot of useful "dirt" on the Supervisor), the Chief spent every day of his recent week-long suspension feverishly gambling at the Blue Ship Casino, where he reportedly suffered heavy losses. Finally, the day-to-day operations of Operation Christmas Care Bear and the BSOT Police Department have been under heavy scrutiny by law enforcement and the media lately, which has virtually eliminated any opportunity for Chief Kingston to divert funds from those organizations for his personal use.

The cumulative impact of the four factors described in the preceding paragraph has forced Chief Kingston to desperately scramble about seeking new sources of cash to maintain his "high roller" lifestyle. That fact, viewed in conjunction with the type of bonus provisions which are reputedly in the Chief's deal with Renegade Publishing, suggests that he will do everything that he possibly can to ensure that his new book sells well. As a result, Chief Kingston will probably consider employing the same aggressive, ethically-questionable marketing techniques on behalf of his first book that he utilized so effectively with Operation Christmas Care Bear. If he does, in the near future countless hapless motorists will be stopped for various traffic "violations", then given the choice of accepting a high-priced ticket, or purchasing the Chief's book. The Broken Springs SS conducted a random telephone survey of residents of Onoyoko Township, and the overwhelming majority of those we contacted indicated that they would consider that type of marketing campaign to be inappropriate. Given the results of our survey, combined with the fact that the Onoyoko Township Board (which controls the Police Commission) has recently embarked on a massive public-relations blitz in a desperate attempt to create the impression that the Chief is no longer permitted to engage in inappropriate activity, it would seem logical to conclude that the Chief will not be permitted to market his new book with the same "zeal" he used to solicit contributions to Operation Christmas Care Bear.

However, in addition to conducting a random survey of Township residents, The Broken Springs SS spoke with several individuals who have "behind the scenes" knowledge of the local political scene. Each of the "insiders" we spoke with indicated that there were two factors which made it more-likely-than-not that the Chief would be allowed to continue to engage in the type of ethically-questionable activity that has been the hallmark of his career. First of all, given Police Commission Chairperson and Township Supervisor Ernest Hildecrust's widely-quoted comments to the local media that he hoped that the Chief's recent suspension would put an end to the controversy surrounding the Chief and the BSOT Police Department (and recent remarks by several Township Board members that they weren't planning to make any changes in the Police Department if the Township took control of it), there is scant reason to believe that the supposedly "newly invigorated" Police Commission will actually do much to discourage future ethically-questionable behavior by Chief Kingston. Furthermore, there is every indication that the politically-cowed members of the Township Board want to disentangle themselves as quickly as possible from the rancorous debate over the best way to manage the BSOT Police Department that is currently cleaving our community, as they fear there may be political repercussions if they take any further action to attempt to force the Chief to change his ways (apparently the anonymous letters which have recently been sent to Supervisor Hildecrust, threatening to "recall" him if he persists in attempting to rein in the out-of-control Police Department, have succeeded in "chilling" the Township Board's enthusiasm for reform). Although we hope that our "insiders" are wrong and the Police Commission will force Chief Kingston to conform to generally-accepted standards of behavior, don't be surprised if the members of the Police Commission elect to turn a blind eye to any future ethically-questionable activities by the Chief. It wouldn't be the first time that has happened. Unfortunately, it probably won't be the last time, either.

In a development that has stunned many residents of this conservative community, supporters of long-time BSOT Police Chief Jim Kingston announced today that they are calling for a boycott of the Journalistic Error. Merle Boreman, Chief Kingston's father-in-law and one of the Chief's most ardent supporters, outlined the reasons for the boycott at a hastily-called press conference which was held inside the Night Owl Cafe in beautiful downtown Broken Springs. "I've lived in this community for a long time, and I know almost everyone who's anyone around here. All of the people I talk to are behind the Chief, 110%. But you'd never know it by reading the Journalistic Error. Nothing but article after article about how the Township Board is considering changing the way the Police Department is run or how the Police Commission is getting tough with Jim. And if there isn't a negative article about Jim, then there always seems to be one or more letters to the editor criticizing him. The letters to the editor are the worst: anyone with a bone to pick with Jim gets their letter published in its entirety. But when someone who supports Jim writes a letter, either it is heavily edited, or it doesn't get published at all," Mr. Boreman told the small crowd assembled around his table while Dexter "Gordon" David distributed a list of individuals who alleged that their letters supporting Chief Kingston had either been edited or rejected by the Journalistic Error. "That type of subtly-biased journalism is dangerous, because it is not easily detected by the casual reader. As a result, the casual reader may erroneously believe that the Error's coverage is fair and balanced, which could cause that reader to draw the wrong conclusions: in this case, someone who isn't aware of the way things really are around here could easily conclude that there are a lot of people dissatisfied with the way Jim does things. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's a tiny group of disgruntled religious kooks and a few professional protesters with a personal vendetta that are causing all of this fuss: nothing more. Those of us who are sponsoring this boycott believe that it's important for local readers to be exposed to both sides of the story, so that they can make solid and intelligent decisions! So until the Error stops blatantly favoring the police-bashing minority, we're not going to buy it anymore, and we're urging everyone who cares about this community to do the same!" Mr. Boreman vehemently concluded, before indicating that he would entertain questions from those in attendance.

After Mr. Boreman had answered several routine questions from the attendees, a heavily-made-up woman who identified herself as Lonna Jackson raised her hand. "I own a small business here in town, and I rely on my ads in the Journalistic Error to generate sales. I support Chief Kingston unquestioningly, but if I drop my advertising in the Error, I won't be able to reach as many potential customers. On the other hand, if I keep advertising in the Error, I'm worried that people supporting the boycott will stop doing business with me. Either way, I lose. What should I do?" the perplexed Ms. Jackson inquired.

"The choice is up to you, but it seems like a 'no-brainer' to me," Mr. Boreman responded. He then proceeded to launch into a lengthy attempt to dissuade Ms. Jackson from continuing her relationship with the Journalistic Error, repeatedly asserting that based on his admittedly unscientific poll, it was an undisputed fact that the overwhelming majority of people in the community whole-heartedly supported Chief Kingston. As a result, "it's logical to assume that the Chief's supporters will choose to do business only with people who share their views. I think it's probably safe to say that you'll risk losing more business by continuing to advertise in the Error than you will by dropping your ads in that paper," Mr. Boreman concluded as he emptied his coffee cup. With that, Mr. Boreman rose to leave, indicating that the press conference was over.

Back in our offices, we examined the list of names Mr. Boreman's elfin assistant had distributed at the press conference, and attempted to contact a few of the individuals on that list to verify that they were indeed dissatisfied with the editorial practices of the Journalistic Error. The first few individuals we contacted declined to speak with us. We were about ready to abandon our verification attempts, but we decided to make one last call. Poring over the list, we selected Township resident and outspoken Kingston-backer Judy Ostrich as our final interviewee, and dialed her number. When the opinionated Ms. Ostrich finally answered her telephone, we explained why we were calling. Although she was not pleased that we had pulled her away from her soap operas, she agreed to speak with us for a moment, "if it will help Merle's cause". Then Ms. Ostrich proceeded to give us an earful. "Not a day goes by without my signing a pro-Kingston letter that someone has written for me, and then immediately dropping it in the mail to the Journalistic Error. Yet it's been weeks now since I've seen one of 'my' letters in that paper," fumed Ms. Ostrich. "It's just not right for the Error to deny me my first amendment rights, even if I am only serving as a mouthpiece for someone else. Until that shamefully-biased paper resumes publishing everything I supposedly write, I'm not buying it anymore, and I'm certainly not going to buy anything from anyone who advertises in it, either!" the crotchety Ms. Ostrich ranted, before slamming the telephone receiver down on its cradle.

In order to be fair, we contacted Cathy Pullonatoeifhehollerslethimgo, the Editor of the Journalistic Error, to give her a chance to respond to the allegations leveled by Mr. Boreman. Given Ms. Pullonatoeifhehollerslethimgo's well-known contempt for the local "underground" press, we doubted that she would be willing to talk to us. However, to our surprise, the hard-working journalist graciously took a minute out of her hectic schedule to speak with us. "As you know, every newspaper has a bias: the best ones just do a really good job of disguising that bias. I have modeled my paper after some of the best, so maybe I am guilty of working too hard to make it appear as if I provide fair and balanced coverage of local events. Still, I don't understand what all of the fuss is about," Ms. Pullonatoeifhehollerslethimgo said. "Can't my critics see that I do everything I can to help Chief Kingston, who I admire greatly? Whenever possible I word headlines and articles in a way that presents the Chief in a positive light, and I always try to include background material and quotations that reflect favorably on the Chief in any articles that I publish about him. For example, when the Barren County Prosecutor's office issued their report on their investigation into the Chief's activities, I made sure that I printed all of the exculpatory-sounding language from that report in bold print, so no one would miss it. If I did more than what I'm currently doing, people opposed to the Chief might begin questioning my objectivity. I guess it really is true: you just can't please everyone," said the diminutive ink-stained wretch, pausing to reflect for a moment before resuming her response to our inquiry. "Yes, I admit I don't print every letter that a supporter of the Chief writes, but that's only because there isn't enough space in my paper: Chief Kingston's friends and relatives have to understand that it's just not financially feasible for me to expand the size of my paper to accommodate the flood of letters they inundate me with. And yes, when I have found the space to include one or more letters to the editor, I have occasionally edited a letter from one of the Chief's supporters, but only because it was too long, or because I was trying to improve it by removing logical or syntactical errors. What's wrong with that?" asked Ms. Pullonatoeifhehollerslethimgo, sounding genuinely puzzled.

"I just have to trust that the good people around here will do the right thing, and not support Mr. Boreman's efforts to destroy the business I have worked so hard for so long to build up," Ms. Pullonatoeifhehollerslethimgo continued after we assured her that it was perfectly appropriate to edit letters for the reasons she enumerated as long as the gist of the writer's message remained intact. "If Mr. Boreman is able to generate significant support for his unwarranted boycott, I don't know what I'm going to do. The Error's circulation is already down considerably from where it was during the Great Sewer War. A further reduction in the number of our readers, combined with the loss of a significant amount of ad revenue, would cause a financial 'hit' which would be too large for us to absorb. What I want to know is, where will all of these critics be if we have to go out of business because of their boycott: where will they get balanced coverage of local news then? Certainly not from our competitors. News From Broken Springs is a typo-ridden rag run by a comedically-challenged Anglophile with delusions of literary grandeur and an unnatural fascination with small, battery-powered devices, while The Broken Springs Straight Shooter appears to be the product of a morally-bankrupt group of effete liberal pseudo-intellectuals with a penchant for extraneous verbosity. Local residents certainly won't find out what's going on around here by reading either of those two so-called 'newspapers'. I know you'll never print this, but the fact of the matter is that everyone in this town knows that you can't believe a word of what you read in either one of them," concluded the obviously-distraught Ms. Pullonatoeifhehollerslethimgo.

We disagree with Ms. Pullonatoeifhehollerslethimgo's characterization of The Broken Springs Straight Shooter and the many dedicated professionals who work here. Nevertheless, we believe that it is extremely important to publicly show our support for the Journalistic Error in this matter. Accordingly, we want to make it clear that we strongly condemn this shameful attempt by Police Chief Kingston's supporters to intimidate the press and curtail the free flow of information to the public. A strong free press is a cornerstone of our democratic way of life in this country: without the constant vigilance of the fourth estate all of our lives would be greatly diminished. As Thomas Jefferson observed in a letter to Lafayette, "[t]he only security of all is in a free press. The force of public opinion cannot be resisted when permitted freely to be expressed. The agitation it produces must be submitted to. It is necessary, to keep the waters pure." Small-town papers such as the Journalistic Error can play a key role in keeping our democracy strong and vital, by providing citizens with timely and accurate information about local events: information that those citizens would be hard pressed to find elsewhere. It's true that the Error isn't always able to please every local resident, but that does not mean it is without value: it never fails to entertain and enlighten those who read it with a discerning eye. Those of us who work at The Broken Springs SS fervently hope that the Journalistic Error will not be intimidated from providing fair and balanced coverage of local events, and we urge every local resident who is truly concerned about the recent erosion of freedom in this country to give the Error the degree of respect and support it deserves.

Broken Springs Village President Jan Chaddwick is mad as hell and she's not going to take it anymore! Thoroughly disgusted with Onoyoko Charter Township Supervisor Ernest Hildecrust's nascent efforts to explore having the Township take sole control of the BSOT Police Department, she is determined to fight back. The Broken Springs Straight Shooter has learned that President Chaddwick has been consulting with several high-priced big-city law firms regarding a possible lawsuit against the Township. According to White Throat, a source with highly-placed connections inside the Village Hall who insisted upon anonymity as a condition for speaking with us, the Village is contemplating suing the Township for all of the Township-levied taxes that have been collected from Village residents, on the grounds that because there isn't a Village resident on the Township Board, such taxes constituted "taxation without representation".

We consulted several legal scholars, and they all were skeptical of the Village's chances for success, noting that a similar argument advanced on behalf of the residents of Washington, D.C., has been consistently rejected by the courts. However, White Throat indicated that President Chaddwick isn't deterred by the lack of legal precedent to support the Village's claim. "First of all, it may not even be necessary to actually file the lawsuit: Jan believes that the mere threat of filing a lawsuit may be enough to force the Township into granting the Village certain concessions. She has used this technique on several occasions to bluff Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust into backing down. The simple truth is, Supervisor Hildecrust is terrified by any threat of legal action against the Township, and he is even more terrified of a strong, assertive woman like President Chaddwick, so when Jan threatens to file a suit against the Township, it will probably intimidate him into giving her everything she wants," observed White Throat. "However, if for some reason Jan is unable to intimidate Supervisor Hildecrust the way she normally does, you can be certain that she will file a lawsuit against the Township, even if the Village doesn't have a strong legal argument. For one thing, the Village's attorney, J.D. Frankfurtive, has exhaustively researched the matter, and based on his findings, he has assured Jan that the Village has an excellent chance of winning in court. This alone virtually guarantees that Jan will proceed with the lawsuit, because she has complete confidence in J.D.: she rarely makes a move without consulting him first. Furthermore, Jan has done this type of thing before. If you remember, the Village sued the Township a few years ago after the Township backed out of the joint sewer-plant project with the Village. In that situation, because the Village had done very little to mitigate damages, their claim against the Township for monetary damages was not very strong. Nevertheless, Jan was able to ruthlessly negotiate a settlement agreement with Supervisor Hildecrust which enabled the Village to extract over $500,000 from the Township. If the Village does file suit against the Township, it is virtually a given that Jan will once again end up negotiating with Supervisor Hildecrust. As a result, Jan has every reason to believe that her domineering personality combined with her superior negotiating skills will once again enable her to 'persuade' Supervisor Hildecrust to accede to her demands, regardless of the merits of the Village's claim," concluded White Throat with a wry smile.

We asked White Throat to specify what it was that President Chaddwick ultimately hoped to achieve by suing the Township. "Unquestionably, an important objective is to raise a significant amount of cash. If the Village is able to extort a large cash settlement from the Township, this would be a tremendous benefit to President Chaddwick's regime. Don't forget, under Jan's leadership, the Village spends money like Krispy Kreme makes donuts: frequently and in large amounts. For example, the Village is almost ready to begin construction on its long-delayed replacement wastewater-treatment plant. Unfortunately, despite the relentless cost-containment efforts of [the Village's engineers] Fleece M. Tildeybroke, the price tag for the new plant now exceeds eight million dollars! Obviously, the Village won't be able to pay for their new plant without imposing an enormous increase in sewer-use fees. Needless to say, doubling or tripling the monthly sewer charge imposed on Village residents would seriously threaten Jan's chances for re-election. However, if the Village received another large cash infusion from the Township coffers, it would certainly help to alleviate this problem, and secure Jan's political future," White Throat stated authoritatively.

The information that White Throat provided to us made it abundantly clear that the profligate President Chaddwick desperately needs the financial proceeds from the Village's lawsuit to help to reduce the financial pressures the Village currently faces. However, White Throat also made it clear that the promise of a hefty financial windfall isn't the only motivation behind the proposed lawsuit. "A growing number of the Village's residents are becoming increasingly concerned about the recent attempts by the 'peanuts' to take over the Township Board and control every single aspect of life around here. As far as those residents are concerned, the biggest threat confronting the Village is not the financial shortfall caused by President Chaddwick's out-of-control spending: it is the current composition of the Township Board. Making the situation even more volatile is the widely-held perception that it is the 'peanut' Board members who are pushing for the Township to take control of the BSOT Police Department and 'dump' Police Chief Jim Kingston. As you know, many of the Village's residents are mindless 'law and order' types who are unquestioning in their support of Kingston: as far as they are concerned he is the 'hometown golden boy' who can do no wrong. So any attack on their beloved Chief is something those folks simply won't tolerate," White Throat curtly informed us. White Throat went on to explain that given the widespread unrest in Broken Springs resulting from the growing pressure on the beleaguered Chief Kingston to resign, President Chaddwick has apparently concluded that her continued political viability depends upon her ability to protect the Chief. After pausing for a moment for dramatic effect, White Throat casually delivered the stunning news that President Chaddwick's primary objective in filing a lawsuit against the Township is to get herself appointed to the Township Board! "President Chaddwick has told several people that being on the Board will enable her to function as a powerful counterbalancing force: someone who can protect the Village's interests by vigorously resisting the 'peanut's' efforts to 'ruin' our community. Accordingly, one of the concessions that Jan will insist upon in any settlement of the Village's lawsuit is the resignation of one of the current 'peanut' Board members who serves on the Police Commission, followed by her appointment to the Board and the Police Commission as the replacement for the individual who resigns. That way, even in the unlikely event that Jan is unable to prevent the Township from assuming sole control of the BSOT Police Department, she will be able to retain the ability to dictate how that department is run by browbeating Police Commission Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust into submission when necessary, just like she does now. That should be enough to prevent the 'new' Police Commission from taking any action which would threaten Chief Kingston's tenure, or curtail his ability to run the department as he sees fit," White Throat concluded.

We were able to independently verify the information White Throat provided. However, we suspected that there might be more to the story than White Throat was telling us, particularly given our confidential informant's repeated references to President Chaddwick's "political future". As our readers know, The Broken Springs SS strives to bring you the story behind the story, so we continued our investigation. After a few days of diligent digging, we arranged a second meeting with the phlegmatic White Throat. After several minutes of aggressive questioning, our obviously-well-connected source finally conceded that President Chaddwick's personal ambition is the real motivating factor behind her scheme to file a lawsuit against the Township! "Anyone who knows Jan can attest to the fact that the one thing that really drives her is her unbridled lust for power. Jan always has to be on top; she has to be in control of the 'action'. She's never going to be satisfied remaining a lowly Village President. Jan has her eyes on a bigger prize: she wants to run for the State Representative seat currently held by Neil Nutts when the State's term-limits law bars him from seeking re-election. Serving as a State Representative will finally give Jan the power and status she so desperately craves, in addition to considerable financial benefits," White Throat said calmly. White Throat then proceeded to explain that President Chaddwick had concluded that "a position on the Township Board will provide her with the perfect platform to launch her candidacy for the seat Neil [Nutts] will be vacating. As a Board member, Jan would become an even more powerful force in local politics. Of course, that will put her in a better position to protect the interests of Broken Springs, which she believes will serve to solidify her already-strong support among Village residents. At the same time, she feels that being on the Board will give her more visibility throughout the Township: she is confident that once the Township voters have an opportunity to see what she is really capable of, they will come to regard her the same way the Village's voters do. Furthermore, being on the Board will increase her exposure among Neil's constituents who live outside Onoyoko Township. Jan believes that combining a strong base of support in Onoyoko Township with high voter recognition throughout the rest of Neil's district will give her the edge she needs to win his seat, and finally attain the type of power that she believes she is destined to wield."

Obviously, it will be several months before this drama completely unfolds. Many intriguing questions remain unanswered. For the first time in his undistinguished political career, will Township Supervisor Hildecrust actually find the courage to refuse to be intimidated from doing the right thing, thereby denying President Chaddwick the opportunity to attain the leadership role she believes is rightfully hers? Will Village President Chaddwick's Machiavellian scheme to enhance her political standing succeed, enabling her to once again best Township Supervisor Hildecrust and finally realize her lifelong dream of strolling the corridors of power at the State level? The answers will only be revealed with the passage of time. Rest assured that we'll be watching this story closely, and we'll let you know just as soon as there are any further developments.

Happy Festivus to all of our readers from the staff here at The Broken Springs Straight Shooter! In keeping with the true spirit of this magical holiday, this morning we sent one of our intrepid reporters out into the snow-covered streets of beautiful downtown Broken Springs to speak with whatever denizens of that picturesque burg we could find, in order to allow any and all the opportunity to air their grievances.

The first individual our crack reporter encountered was Charles "Maury" Knobbe, the president of the Broken Springs Opportunists, who was just leaving the Post Office on his way to a holiday luncheon at the local Chamber of Crass Commercialism. Although the spry octogenarian at first professed to have no quarrel "with man or beast", he finally conceded that there was one thing he wanted to get off his wrinkled, grey-haired chest. "I've really had a bellyful of that worthless Troublemaker Bob," Knobbe fumed. "It's bad enough that he continuously attacks our local police chief Jim Kingston, who is a saint if ever I saw one. But to make matters worse, because I have defended the Chief, Troublemaker Bob has made some terrible insinuations about the sexual activity of a member of my family," snapped Knobbe, obviously now filled with the true spirit of Festivus. "I can't imagine stooping so low that I would resort to talking about something done by a person's child in order to try to impugn that person's motives. It's disgusting and cowardly and it's just not right! There's no room in our community for people like that! I'm warning him right now, if that no-good boob Bob continues trying to disparage the good name of my family that way, there's no telling what I might do," Knobbe yelled as he climbed into his car and sped off, showering our reporter with slush.

Almost immediately, our drenched reporter encountered the Editor of the Journalistic Error, Cathy Pullonatoeifhehollerslethimgo, emerging from the side door of the Error's offices. In her green coat and fur-trimmed hat, Cathy looked for all the world like one of Santa's elves, and she was in a jolly holiday mood until she spotted our reporter. "I really have nothing to complain about," snapped the normally chatty and affable Cathy. "In fact, if you had bothered to read my pertinent editorial in the Error a few weeks ago, you would know that, with the exception of the current members of the Township Board, I am truly thankful for everyone and everything in our wonderful little community." Ms. Pullonatoeifhehollerslethimgo stopped to reflect for a moment while she caught her breath. "You know, since you asked, there is one thing that really gets my goat," she fumed. "I'm sick and tired of your paper and that shameful and obscene rag News From Broken Springs always running down the work I do here at the Error. I give my readers what they want. You've got to understand, most people around here don't want or need to know both sides of every issue. Who has time for all of that?" asked Cathy with a quivering voice. "I can assure you that the majority of my readers rely on me to tell them what to think and which side of an issue they should be on. The truth is, I work very hard at what I do, and most people around here appreciate it, even if you know-it-all liberal snobs don't!" shrieked the by-now-clearly-agitated would-be journalist. "If you're all so unhappy with the way things are around here, why don't all of you just leave town and stop harassing the rest of us decent, hard-working folk!" With that, Cathy Pullonatoeifhehollerslethimgo turned and stormed back into the Error's offices, locking the door behind her, leaving our slush-covered reporter shivering on the sidewalk.

A stiff breeze began gusting down Main Street. Our reporter quickly realized that his soggy situation demanded immediate attention. After weighing his options for a few moments, he decided to repair to the Night Owl Cafe to dry off and warm up while having lunch. He reasoned that he could easily continue his assignment during lunch at the cafe, because it is usually full of local power brokers meeting to exchange the latest BS gossip over a cup of the Night Owl's distinctive Broken Bean Coffee. On his way to the Night Owl, he encountered Lonna Jackson, who was coming out of the Coyote's Watering Hole. The busty Ms. Jackson fixed our reporter with an icy stare for several moments before responding to his inquiry about her Festivus grievances. "You're from one of those worthless 'underground' publications that keep popping up around here, aren't you?" she hissed. "It really ticks me off the way you impertinent little twerps continually attack our brave local police officers. They risk their lives every second of every day to keep people like you safe, and that's how you repay them. It's unforgivable!" Ms. Jackson paused for a moment and glared menacingly at our reporter before resuming her tirade. "Let's not forget about Christmas Care Bear. Because of all the criticism from you and your friends, the amount of cash donated this year is much less than it has been in the past. I know for a fact that has created a severe hardship for Chief Kingston and his family, because he has been forced to make up the shortfall out of his own pocket!" she exclaimed loudly, trying to drown out the sound of our reporter's chattering teeth. "I'm just sick and tired of people like you trying to create a problem where there isn't one. The only 'problem' we have around here is you people! Well, you can bet that is one 'problem' I'm going to help the Chief make 'disappear' almost as fast as his paycheck does on a Friday night at the Blue Ship Casino!" Ms. Jackson stated emphatically while jabbing a cheap-jewelry-encrusted finger in our reporter's face.

It was obvious to our thoroughly-chilled reporter that Lonna Jackson was full of holiday spirit(s), so he turned away and headed for the warm tranquility of the Night Owl, leaving Ms. Jackson standing in the doorway of the Coyote's Watering Hole, her fulsome bosom heaving as she shook her fist and yelled about "loudmouthed buttinskis". Before he had taken more than three or four steps, our reporter saw Bonii Didjaseedat coming out of her store and heading toward him. A self-styled local entrepreneur, Ms. Didjaseedat had become a bit of a pariah in Broken Springs because of her propensity for delivering loud and lengthy harangues against Police Chief Jim Kingston and Police Officer Daniel Shame whenever the opportunity presented itself. It was immediately obvious that she had overheard the exchange with Lonna Jackson, and was intent upon getting in on the Festivus fun. Our fearless reporter froze, like a deer caught in headlights. All he wanted was to get to someplace warm for a hot cup of coffee and something to eat: the prospect of listening to one of the perpetually-pregnant Ms. Didjaseedat's lengthy discourses on the shortcomings of the local police was more than he could face. He turned to run, but it was too late. The ebullient Ms. Didjaseedat had grabbed his right arm and begun to vent. "There's something I want the people in this community to know about. Something they should know about. And that's the way that Andreas University and their finance guy, that little weasel Ed Weiner, conduct business. They've been harassing me lately, trying to get me to sell them some stock I own in a company they're interested in acquiring," the obviously-upset Ms. Didjaseedat said. "The crazy part of it all is, for some reason they think I should be willing to sell it to them for less than what it's worth. I told them I wasn't interested in selling it, but they just won't listen. Weiner keeps calling me and sending me letters. He hired some shyster lawyer to harass me. He even went to the bank that loaned me the money to buy the stock, and told them that he would give them all of AU's business if they could find a way to claim that I had defaulted on the loan. Weiner thought that if was in default on the loan, I'd have to sell AU the stock. Fortunately, my bank wouldn't go along with him: they've got too much integrity. But I ask you, is that any way for a so-called religious institution to conduct itself? I can promise you this, if Mr. Weiner doesn't stop meddling in my affairs, I'm going to have my attorney sue AU for interfering with my business relationships!" Ms. Didjaseedat concluded, with a quick nod of her head for emphasis.

Relieved that Ms. Didjaseedat had not delivered one of her interminable screeds against the police, our numb-from-the-cold reporter smiled and thanked her for her contribution to his article. Ms. Didjaseedat immediately began muttering something about a prominent local businessman she "caught breaking into a building I own out by the airport," so our reporter hastily extricated himself from her vice-like grip and stiffly sprinted the short distance to the Night Owl Cafe. A nondescript middle-aged woman, dressed as if she were about to embark on an ice-fishing expedition, was just leaving the Night Owl when our reporter reached the entrance. The woman, who refused to identify herself, nevertheless was more than willing to enter into the spirit of Festivus. "There is one thing that annoys me more than anything else. It's those damn 'peanuts'! The chocolate-covered ones are the worst, but they're all bad," Ms. X vehemently spat out. "First they ruined our school system by refusing to vote for the school millages. Then they stopped the sewer project. That ruined any chance we'll ever have to get any nice stores or restaurants around here. As if that wasn't bad enough, then they took over the Township Board and made poor Ernie Hildecrust's life a living hell. Now they're working hand-in-hand with Troublemaker Bob, trying to take control of everything else. They won't be satisfied until they've ruined everything around here! Well I hope they all choke on their damn vegi-burgers!" the red-faced woman said, mumbling something about being late for her Bible-study group as she stormed off toward her car.

Our reporter waved cheerily to Ms. X as she sped away, then turned quickly and entered the Night Owl Cafe. Once inside, he settled into a quiet corner booth in the back, seeking nothing more than the opportunity to thaw out over a hot cup of coffee while he worked on his article. After several cups of the Night Owl's robust coffee, he began to feel the warmth returning to his extremities, so he relaxed and ordered lunch. He had nearly finished his taco salad when he noticed a disheveled young woman with stringy hair wearing a Broken Springs Clovers cap, dirty jeans and a rumpled "Pleasure Chest" t-shirt sitting at a nearby table. She was suggestively licking syrup from a sausage link while she watched him intently. When she realized that our reporter had noticed her, she gave a slightly embarrassed wave. Given her appearance, our reporter surmised that this young woman would be an ideal individual to interview for his article. Putting down his knife and fork, he went over to her table. However, before our reporter could even broach the subject of Festivus, the young woman smiled coyly and asked him if he wanted to go out with her and "experience the best of Broken Springs." Our reporter couldn't believe what he had just heard. After all, even on his best day he was unlikely to be mistaken for an Abercrombie & Fitch poster boy. And today, thanks to Mr. Knobbe's slush shower, he hardly looked his best. Compounding the awkwardness of the situation, he certainly was not attracted to this slatternly young woman, who looked as if she had slept in the clothes she was wearing. After a seemingly-endless moment of uncomfortable silence, our reporter had an idea. "Do you mind if I take a couple of your napkins? The dispenser on my table is all out," he said, trying to look casual. She assented, looking nonplussed. Before she had time to say anything else, our reporter grabbed a couple of napkins, then quickly returned to his booth. He hastily finished his meal and paid his bill. Then, without so much as a sidelong glance in the young woman's direction, he headed toward the door.

The leisurely lunch at the Night Owl had thoroughly rejuvenated our reporter. He was feeling much warmer, and his appetite had been thoroughly satiated, so he exited the Night Owl focused on completing his assignment. Gently shaking his head in bemusement at the idea of a night on the town with the sluttish young woman still seated inside the cafe, he stepped gingerly across the ice-covered sidewalk in front of the Night Owl. Our reporter immediately noticed Police Chief Jim Kingston dozing in an idling patrol car parked in front of the cafe. "Kingston must be in the midst of another one of those 140-hour work weeks he's legendary for," our reporter thought to himself. Just then, the haggard-looking Kingston awoke with a start, rubbed his eyes, and looked around. Spotting our reporter, the Chief quickly rolled down the passenger-side window on the patrol car. "Stop right where you are!" thundered the Chief in his best Robert-Stack-as-Eliott-Ness voice. Our reporter immediately complied with the Chief's request, and stood patiently waiting for the-still-groggy Kingston to emerge from the patrol car, which was gaily festooned with "Operation Christmas Care Bear" decorations. "I've gotten several complaints about you disturbing the peace and harassing pedestrians," Kingston solemnly intoned. Although our reporter tried to explain that he was a journalist on assignment, it quickly became obvious that Chief Kingston wasn't willing to listen to any explanations. "I'm placing you under arrest for disturbing the peace," the Chief said with a smirk on his face. "Now get in the back of my car!" Unfortunately, Chief Kingston was so intent on protecting the public from the obvious threat posed by a free press that, for the first time in his long and distinguished career, he failed to follow proper procedure: our reporter was placed in the back of the patrol car without being frisked. As a result, our reporter was able to retain possession of his BlackBerry just long enough to send his report to our office. The Chief's unprecedented failure to follow procedure was truly a Festivus miracle, because absent that failure, it would not have been possible to bring you this report on a timely basis!

Unfortunately, our reporter was prevented from interviewing as many individuals as we would have liked by Chief Kingston's unwarranted intervention. However, even though our reporter's survey was abrogated, it clearly indicates that the spirit of Festivus is alive and well in the hearts of many of the residents of Onoyoko Township. We're pleased to see that so many of you share our appreciation for this truly special holiday. However, we realize that it's possible that some of our readers may not celebrate Festivus. For each of our readers who doesn't celebrate Festivus, all of us here at The Broken Springs Straight Shooter want to extend our best wishes to you and your family for whatever seasonal holiday you do choose to celebrate. The Broken Springs SS will be on hiatus until after the holidays. Sometime after the first of the year, we'll resume prowling the cozy little cafes and smokey back rooms of Onoyoko Township in our tireless efforts to keep you apprised of the myriad machinations of the power-hungry local politicos who frequent those haunts. That's all we have time for today: we've got to go bail our reporter out of jail.

With the joyous sounds of bells, whistles, and clanking coins ringing in the air, on December 17, 2005, the Broken Springs-Onoyoko Township Police Department held their annual "Betting on the Future" party at the Blue Ship Casino in Lake Michigan City, Indiana.

Under the "Betting on the Future" program, underprivileged youngsters enjoy a fantasy-filled evening aboard the Blue Ship Casino accompanied by long-time BSOT Police Chief Jim Kingston, a hand-picked group of BSOT police officers, and several high-ranking Village of Broken Springs officials and their families. Each participating child receives $100 in house money, and with the able assistance of Chief Kingston and his helpers, attempts to parlay that amount into a holiday bonanza for his or her family.

"Betting on the Future" is an integral part of "Operation Christmas Care Bear", which Chief Kingston has operated as his own private charity for approximately 20 years. This year, the "Christmas Care Bear" program is being co-sponsored by the Broken Springs-Eau Clear chapter of Creative Asset Reallocation Experts. Cheri Kingston, Village of Broken Springs Clerk and the Secretary Treasurer of CARE, represented CARE at Saturday night's festivities. "When Jim approached CARE about sponsoring 'Christmas Care Bear', we couldn't say yes fast enough! It was a perfect fit! We're able to assist Jim's highly-commendable efforts to 'share the wealth', while at the same time making the public more aware of CARE and what our organization does. As a result, sponsoring 'Christmas Care Bear' truly is a win-win situation!" Mrs. Kingston enthusiastically observed from her seat at the bar in the VIP lounge. "'Christmas Care Bear' is one of the most effective wealth-transfer mechanisms CARE is aware of. I know that I speak for all of the members of CARE when I say that we are honored and proud to help Jim continue to do his good work," Mrs. Kingston concluded.

Chief Kingston took a moment off from helping with all the fun and came into the VIP lounge to join his wife Cheri at the bar. "Because of the laziness and lack of personal control of their parents, many of these children would not be able to experience all the joy that the holiday season has to offer," Kingston reflected as he signalled to the waitress for another complimentary double gin and tonic. "By participating in this program, children will come away with a sense of what Christmas in our community is really all about," added the Chief. He paused for a moment as the waitress brought his drink order. "If you think about it, without my work with 'Christmas Care Bear' and 'Betting on the Future', these children really wouldn't have anything at this time of year," the Chief concluded as he quickly finished his drink and returned to assisting his young guests with their attempts to "break the bank".

Broken Springs Village President Jan Chaddwick surveyed the joyous scene while refilling her plate at the buffet. Between mouthfuls of honey-glazed-ham and brioche, she observed that Kingston's charity "plays a vital role in our community" because it gives needy children "a stake in their future" by giving them the opportunity for creative fiscal growth. "Chief Kingston's 'Betting on the Future' program simultaneously teaches children math, economics, and gaming skills. Participants also learn valuable decision-making skills, because they can elect to take what we give them and leave the table, or remain at the table and attempt to turn that initial gift into a much larger gift, and then an even larger one. The choice is theirs." As she turned to head toward the dessert cart, President Chaddwick summed up her appreciation for Chief Kingston's program. "The Chief is always striving to meet the needs of those less fortunate in our community, particularly those who are not having their needs fulfilled at home. The truth is, there's just nothing he enjoys more than plunging in headfirst to try to fill the needs of the less fortunate."

Stan Chaddwick stood nearby, nursing a white-wine spritzer. He echoed his wife's sentiments, then sighed softly while watching the Chief assist an attractive young girl with a tricky double-down bet on two split pairs. "I just wish everyone in our community had an opportunity to see what a generous and feeling man the Chief can be, when he's given half a chance," commented Stan.

18-year-old Laurie Chaddwick agreed emphatically. "Chief Kingston has made many things possible, not just for my family, but for our entire community. Because of the Chief, we all have much, much more than we deserve this holiday season! Why, just the other day, my mom was telling me that it was largely because of the Chief's tireless efforts that Broken Springs is able to put new light poles in our downtown. Mom suggested that the big light pole nearest to the entrance to the Village Hall should be named 'Jim Kingston's Pole' to honor the Chief, and I agree whole-heartedly! I know that each time I see 'Jim Kingston's Pole' standing proudly erect against the sky, I will be reminded of all the hard work the Chief did when he and my mom were together night and day, struggling to make our community a better place for us all to live."

22-year-old Jewel Kingston listened and nodded in agreement, adding that "everyone in Broken Springs has benefitted from the charity work that dad . . . I mean, Chief Kingston . . . does. Because of our community's willingness to give, we all have a little more than we otherwise would." The bubbly Ms. Kingston paused for a moment and gave a cheery wave and a smile of encouragement to one young "Betting on the Future" participant who was crying inconsolably because he had just lost his entire stake on a high-risk side bet at the craps table, then resumed her comments. "The folks in our hometown have been very generous in supporting 'Christmas Care Bear' year after year, but I doubt they realize just how much that support means to the Chief." Before excusing herself to go comfort the dejected young craps shooter, Ms. Kingston denounced the tiny minority of people who have been critical of the way contributions to "Christmas Care Bear" have been handled. "I know from personal experience that everything that Chief Kingston receives to help operate 'Christmas Care Bear' quickly finds its way into the hands of someone in our community!" she stated emphatically. "For example, needy children receive toys, hungry families receive food, and deserving students receive funds to help pay for their education. How the funds ultimately end up being distributed just depends on where the Chief determines the need is greatest."

One of the BSOT police officers assisting at Saturday night's event was Patrolman Daniel Shame, who generously has given much of his free time to the "Lucky Little Ladies" division of "Betting on the Future". Officer Shame, looking resplendent in his freshly-cleaned BSOT police uniform, stood rigidly at attention as he attentively watched one "Lucky Little Lady" participant playing the nickel slot machines. "I'm always the first to volunteer to help with this program, because I believe that it is imperative that each of these young girls knows that she has someone older and more experienced to 'show her the ropes' and hold onto her 'booty'," proclaimed Shame, as he went to assist the "Lucky Little Lady" in gathering up her winnings. Officer Shame added that he is "proud to be a part of this program, because it keeps the needs of these unfortunate young girls first and foremost during this holiday season." He also confided that he would be playing the role of Santa later in the evening. "I can assure you that nothing quite compares to the satisfaction I receive when one of these little angels sits on my lap, squirming with anticipation and excitedly bouncing up and down, while whispering in my ear and telling me what it would take to fulfill her every desire," observed Shame with a wink.

Later that evening, the "Lucky Little Lady" participant Officer Shame had been assisting earlier ran sobbing uncontrollably from the casino, apparently overcome by emotion after realizing the full extent of Shame's eagerness to fill the empty feeling she had inside. "He helped me do a 'split' at the blackjack table. Because of Officer Shame and his pair of 'soft hands', I feel a warm holiday glow all over," she said between joyous sobs. Officer Shame stood in the entrance to the casino, watching the young girl's emotional reaction. It was obvious that this was an extremely moving experience for Officer Shame, because he blurted out "that's what 'Lucky Little Ladies' is all about," before becoming too overcome with emotion to comment further.

Shortly after midnight, the magical evening came to an end. As they milled about their cars in the parking lot while preparing for the trip home to Broken Springs, Chief Kingston asked each young participant how they had fared inside. Each time the Chief found a child who was going home with less than their initial $100 allotment, the Chief motioned for that child to follow him. By the time he had finished questioning the participants, the Chief was surrounded by several sad-eyed children. Leading the somber little group to his car, Chief Kingston wordlessly opened the trunk, then rummaged around in a battered old briefcase for a couple of minutes before withdrawing several small bundles. The Chief then closed the trunk and turned toward the shivering urchins surrounding him. "Merry Christmas!" boomed the Chief as he handed each of the losers ten $10 bills done up in a neat little bundle. "Don't spend it all in one place!" As the youngsters joyfully ran to the waiting cars, the Chief smiled and turned to his wife and daughter." You know," said the Chief, his eyes welling up with tears, "because of the unquestioning generosity of all of our good neighbors and friends in Broken Springs, we really do have a wonderful life!"

Welcome to the inaugural issue of The Broken Springs Straight Shooter. For the benefit of those readers who are not from our area, a little background information will help you place the stories we will be running in the proper context.

Onoyoko Charter Township, which is located in Barren County, somewhere in Southwestern Michigan, is a conservative community, proud of its agricultural heritage. At the same time, because of the presence of Andreas University, a small denominational institution which enrolls students from over 80 different countries, there is more cultural diversity in Onoyoko Township than some local residents are comfortable with. Township Supervisor Ernest Hildecrust, whose family has tilled the soil of Onoyoko Township for several generations, is a henpecked middle-aged fruit farmer with a lofty, though thoroughly unwarranted, sense of self-importance. Although not nearly as popular as he once was, he has managed to remain in office by shrewdly assembling a coalition comprised of friends, relatives, political appointees, members of the church he sometimes attends, and residents who mindlessly vote a straight-party ballot. Under the inimitable leadership of this benevolent despot, Onoyoko Township is currently poised on the verge of attempting to clumsily lurch headlong into the 21st century.

The crown jewel of Onoyoko Township is the Village of Broken Springs, a small town with a population of approximately 1,900, which prides itself on its self-proclaimed title of "Holiday Pickle Capital of the World". Until recently, each year Broken Springs played host to countless pickle aficionados from around the world who excitedly strolled through the soon-to-be-gentrified downtown area gorging themselves on big chocolate-covered pickles while enjoying the sights and sounds of the internationally-renowned "Pickle Festival". The Broken Springs Village President, Jan Chaddwick, is a corpulent middle-aged micro-manager who seems determined to elevate frumpiness to an art form. Her primary raison d'etre seems to be getting the best of Township Supervisor Ernest Hildecrust, with whom she is constantly battling in a seemingly never-ending quest to expand the scope of her power beyond the Village limits.

To the average individual, casually observing Onoyoko Township from a vantage point outside the area, our community may seem to be an island of bucolic bliss in an increasingly-turbulent world. But first impressions can be deceiving. The first indication that trouble lurked beneath the surface of our placid little pond came several years ago, when disputes involving various local officials began to surface. Probably the most noteworthy of these disruptive little episodes was the sexual harassment lawsuit filed against local Police Chief Jim Kingston. The ensuing furor over this audacious assault on the Chief, a much-loved local icon (status achieved in large part as a result of two interrelated factors: his knack for shameless self-promotion and his carefully-nurtured "local boy made good" image), revealed the truly base nature of local politics. Nothing exemplified that base nature more than the anonymous hate mail the pro-Chief faction boldly mailed to those who were foolish enough to believe that perhaps the Chief was not comporting himself in accordance with the high moral standards which allegedly prevail in our community. After the hasty settlement of the lawsuit for an undisclosed sum, relative peace and tranquility was temporarily restored to our fair community.

However, it was not until the advent of the Great Sewer War in the autumn of 2000 that the image of Onoyoko Township as a modern-day Norman Rockwell tableau was finally shattered. The Great Sewer War was the most rancorous and divisive episode in our community's history. It pitted a determined group of progressive Village residents and Township farmers enamored with the benefits of municipal sewer systems against an equally determined group of obstructive religious fanatics determined to resist the incursion of high-priced municipal sewers into their neighborhoods. The progressive pro-sewer group advocated extending municipal sewer service to the undeveloped area surrounding an exit on the highway which skirts the Village of Broken Springs. In order to accomplish that objective, the Village of Broken Springs and Onoyoko Township concluded that a joint project, including an expansive and expensive sewer system which would primarily serve the residential areas surrounding Andreas University, was necessary. Of course, that project would have been funded, in large part, by assessments against the homeowners who lived in those residential areas. Not surprisingly, the bulk of the ranks of the determined anti-sewer obstructionists were comprised of those very homeowners. Sewer-project proponents argued that the project would stimulate much-needed development to provide gainful employment for some of the hordes of barely-literate youth disgorged annually from our outstanding local school system. Rumors swirled about the possible construction of new hotels and restaurants. Given the dearth of fine dining opportunities in Broken Springs, the prospect of dining at a new local restaurant had many local residents salivating copiously in anticipation. However, the obstructionists were not persuaded. Tantalizing as the prospect of noshing at a new local International Home of Flapjacks or Pickle Barrel may have been, it wasn't quite enough to persuade them to swallow a $5,000+ assessment, in addition to a nominal monthly fee, for the right to do what many of the sewer proponents would continue to be able to do for free: flush unlimited amounts of liquid and solid waste directly into the environment.

The battle raged for several months: tempers flared; accusations were made; mud was flung; neighbor turned against neighbor. Attendance at Township Board meetings soared to an all-time high. Ultimately, the Great Sewer War culminated in a series of special elections in which power at the Township level was partly wrested from the callous and calloused hands of the landed gentry (who had dominated the local political scene since the inception of the Township in the nineteenth century) by the anti-sewer obstructionists. The new group of ruling elite immediately set about the difficult task of extracting the Township from the joint project with the Village of Broken Springs. Village President Chaddwick was incensed. She immediately hired a high-priced big-city law firm to sue the Township in an attempt to force the Township to continue to participate in the proposed joint project. The Village's chances of success were dealt a crushing blow when the court refused to force the Township to participate in that project. Nevertheless, President Chaddwick was determined to teach a lesson to those upstart religious fanatics who now comprised a majority of the Township Board, so she proceeded to sue the Township for damages. Most of the claims in the Village's suit were outlandish and unsubstantiated. However, Township Supervisor Hildecrust, displaying the type of leadership he is justly famous for, negotiated a settlement with Village President Chaddwick. As a result of Supervisor Hildecrust's unparalleled negotiating skills, the Township was only required to pay the Village a little more than half a million dollars, a significant portion of which went to President Chaddwick's high-priced legal team. The settlement would have been a bargain at twice that amount, for it finally closed the book on this sordid episode in our community's history. Unfortunately, despite the financial windfall the Village received as a result of this episode, it appears that there is still a trace of lingering resentment toward the Township among Village leaders, particularly from Village President Chaddwick.

The cataclysmic shift in power in Onoyoko Township during the Great Sewer War reverberated throughout Barren County, and is undoubtedly in some small part responsible for creating the current climate of political unrest in our fair community. For although the Great Sewer War is apparently over, and the majority of our community's residents still live their lives in blissful ignorance of what transpires around them, particularly with respect to local governmental issues, currently there is still an ongoing struggle for power between supporters of the deposed landed gentry (who hope to return those individuals to the leadership role that is rightfully theirs) and supporters of the religious fanatics who currently comprise a majority of the Township Board. Against the backdrop of that titanic struggle a second smaller, but equally epic, struggle (involving a never-ending stream of controversies swirling around local Police Chief Jim Kingston) is taking place. On the one side of this second struggle is a small but vocal "band of buttinskis" who are committed to disrupting the status quo. On the other side is an equally small and equally vocal group of unapologetic apologists, who are determined to perpetuate the myth that Broken Springs is the "Mayberry of the Midwest".

This perpetual whirlwind of political activity and social unrest in Onoyoko Township is currently covered by two local newspapers: the Journalistic Error and News From Broken Springs. The Journalistic Error is a weekly publication which, under various owners, has been dispensing its folksy brand of news for several decades. Despite its grand ambitions and air of pretentiousness, the Error is seriously hampered by the fact that it is a "mom and pop" operation. The harsh economic reality of the marketplace constrains them from having enough reporters to cover every local story. As a result, although the Error can always be counted on to provide vital information such as next week's school lunch menu, occasionally a "hard" news story slips through the cracks. In short, the Error's style more closely resembles The Old Farmer's Almanac than it does The New York Times. The other publication serving our area, News From Broken Springs, is a relative newcomer to the local scene. NFBS, which premiered in the summer of 2005, is published on an irregular basis by a mysterious character known only as "Shallow Throat". The arrival of a second news publication in our area initially was cause for much celebration, as it offered the promise of a new golden age of journalism in Onoyoko Township. Unfortunately, because the staff at NFBS turned out to be simple scriveners rather than literary lions, that promise has not been fully realized. Furthermore, NFBS has repeatedly demonstrated a tendency to become mired in a juvenile obsession with salacious material. As a result, NFBS more closely resembles The National Enquirer than it does The Washington Post.

Despite the obvious shortcomings of our community's two existing newspapers, the question still remains: does a small community like Onoyoko Township really need a third newspaper? Those of us who work at The Broken Springs SS believe that the answer is "YES"! We began this publication because we are confident that we can bring a unique perspective to local events, one that heretofore has been sadly lacking, by examining both sides of stories that have the potential to seriously affect our reader's lives. Accordingly, we have assembled a small but dedicated group of talented reporters to bring you the local news that you need to know: news you won't get anywhere else. We intend to pull no punches in our reporting. We promise you that we have no sacred cows (or cops); no preconceived ideas; no set agenda. We will do our best to both inform and entertain you. We hope you enjoy our efforts, and visit us often.